Nine Years on a Beautiful Day

This is the first time I've been back to blogland in while.

Today is my nine year wedding anniversary.

In some ways, that number seems so small. I mean, I've been with my partner for many, many years (almost 20??) with a few breaks thrown in there, so nine years of marriage seems like just a drop in the bucket. Although, if you follow some of my dramatic rantings on here, each anniversary can seem like a miracle.

What a huge change nine years has brought. Nine years ago, I had a job that I adored and I was climbing the professional ladder quickly. I worked all the time, but that was fine because I loved my job and was surrounded by great people. I had an awesome group of hip friends who were like brothers and sisters and we spent lunches and evenings at wine tastings and museum openings and fundraising galas. We lived in an old house in the ghetto, but bills were cheap and I was close to downtown and all the fun that promised. We used my brother-in-laws flight benefits and jetted off to Mexico, and California, and Puerto Rico at the drop of the hat. Things were simple. Fun. Direct. My husband proposed to me on live television and as I planned our wedding a decade ago, I had all I thought I wanted.

Soon after we married, I had to choose if I would stay or follow him to Florida for grad school.

I followed. And followed some more. At first it was awful. I missed my friends, and family, and career. And then, exactly on our one-year anniversary, I got pregnant. A few weeks later, I got a new job. And things got better again. I hadn't ever been completely sure that I wanted children, but I had my little boy and my heart exploded with love and I've never since been the same person.

It's often easier to write when there is drama. The blog is an outlet, a way of getting it out without exhausting my friends.

Things are good right now. My baby is snoring beside me and I am waiting for my LM to get home. We live in the nicest neighborhood that we have as adults, and it happens to have a perfect 1/2 mile loop that I have been walking as much as possible. My son goes to a highly-ranked school and is excelling. Hubby has a job with excellent benefits.

Of course, there is still a lot to keep me up at night, besides my very needy baby with acid reflux. I'm not working, and money is so very, very tight. I am struggling with what I want to do with this next step in my career, and the desire to ditch career ambitions and just do something unglamorous that would let me stay home with my little girl.

We still have a house in another town that we can't even put on the market because of current real estate values. I just cashed out a retirement fund to get us through another month, and it's been only through God's grace that we've been hanging on. Hubby's job pays peanuts and is only guaranteed for this year, and then we start all over again if his grant isn't renewed. Our relationship is not a priority most days- survival is. I don't know how we hang on, quite honestly.

But while I did not chose the path of this journey, I am so thankful for it. First, for the people that I have come to know and love. For the gift of my children. For the joy that I have brought to my parents- especially my mom- to allow her to become a grandmother. To the fact that I got to introduce my little man to my grandfather just months before he died, and got to see the joy shine in his eyes.

I fantasize about having the money to make things easy. Or having the perfect partner. Or reinventing my body and my career.

But in the end, I have to wake up and make these things happen.

I am feeling a little closer every day, with every step.

I'm walking towards ten years.