Sunday, July 3, 2011

Nobody knowns the miles I've seen...

In the last month, we have taken two weeks of roads trips... a total of over 4,000 miles. That's a lot in 30 days. First was a trip to Cincinnati to see my baby sister graduate from high school. It was bittersweet. I have a picture of my own high school graduation and I am holding Miss M, who was just a baby. Nothing marks the passage of time so much. I was lovely that I got to spent a lot of time with her while there, and Little Man got to experience the Farm and my family. I wish we could do it more. I dream of building a little stone cottage there where I could take Little Man and spend the summer. Maybe some day...

It was the first time being there since my step-grandmother died and I had a few times that I had to really process & deal with emotions around that and the true end of every grandparent I have had. I have been coming to the Farm since I was 11, which was when my father started dating my future step-mother. The Farm, spread out on 150 acres in rolling Northern Kentucky, has been a place of discovery & refuge since then. And honestly, it's the closest thing I have to "home" right now, as I deal with the transition of moving to Texas.

And that's where our second road trip was- Dallas/ Fort Worth, where we will be moving in about 30 days. We spent each night in a different hotel and explored the area by car. I certainly shouldn't be bored and it will be interesting to live in a big city again. I'm not a huge fan of the prairie and will miss the lush green of North Florida. But unlike 2004, I feel better leaving. My job is coming to a more natural end and now social media will allow me to stay in touch with friends. That is a lifeline that I didn't have before and I think it will help.

It's been intense spending so much time shut into cars... and working at home with a husband who had been here too. It's frankly WAY too much together time, especially at a time when I am feeling a bit resentful about many of the dynamics in our relationship. And by "bit," I mean it's all I can do most days. I'm not going to hash it out here. And it will pass. Or maybe it won't. But only time will tell.

most nights have been spent on the laptop, exploring areas, reading up on schools and looking for properties to rent. All with Doctor Who playing in the background. Netflix is a wonderful & horrible thing.

While my immediate boss has known for some time that I would be leaving, I am giving my official notice on Tuesday. Frankly, I am still conflicted. It's hard for me to believe that this move is really going to happen. I keep feeling like it won't and I didn't want to decide about my job until the last minute. The truth is that I would be very happy staying here with Little Man for the year. But financially it would be harder to swing. Or at least that's what I tell myself- it actually might be easier, frankly. The real reason is that I know how hard it would be for Little Man to be apart from his daddy. So off we go and I can only hope to seize new opportunities and relationships from it.

And this is all setting up the next post, which is why I am on the laptop in the middle of the night. back in a moment.

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