Monday, January 28, 2013

Good Lord... I think I bore myself...

Not quite, actually.
The title of the post, I mean.
I actually amuse myself too much, enjoy my solitude perhaps to detriment.

What I actually mean is this...
On paper, I am boring. I am unrecognizable.

This isn't, upon reflection, a recent problem.

I decided to strike out a bit this week, to make an effort to jump into some social groups. Not working really, really limits one's social choices. I joined a few groups on Meetup. One is for plus size folks in this area. They seem like a nice diverse group. I can't seem to get to their social events for awhile yet, and most of them are about an hour away (ah, the drawback of a major metropolitan area).

Another is a parent's group. They have a breakfast in a few weeks that I am going to.

In the meantime, I took to good ole' Craigslist to mine the friend field for some nuggets of gold. After all, I was on there anyway trying to sell some small appliances. So I see, in the "Strictly Platonic" section, a woman around my age and around my area. She likes to craft and go thrifting- great, me too!

So, I craft a reply. And as I lay my life out on the screen, I seem so alien. I am someone that I wouldn't have recognized 10 years ago...

Mother of two kids and two cats
Currently a stay-at-home mom

Hanging with my kids!!!
Trying to find a job!!!
Watching episodes of Buffy as I breast-feed!!!

Wow! I'm so boring that I would never friend myself.

There is so much more to me than that. Or, at least, there used to be.

I need to meet that girl again.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

If You Give A Mommy Some Coffee...

She's going to add peppermint mocha creamer.
And then she's going to have lots of energy and forget that she hasn't slept.
So she'll make some appointments and answer some emails.
Then she'll paint a decoration for the nursery.
But when she goes looking for the paint, she'll organize the cabinet.
Then she'll take out the trash.

And if the baby is sleeping,
Then she'll go on Pinterest,
And that's when she's really in trouble.

'Cause she'll decide to try and clean the microfiber couch with alcohol.
It will work pretty well, but then the cats will walk on it with dirty paws.
So she'll do it again.

Then she'll make homemade coconut milk.
And load the dishwasher.
And then grind some flax seed,
because she's feeling inventive with food.
But she'll have to use the dustbuster to clean the cabinet because the flax seed escaped.

And then the baby will wake up.
So she'll sit down with some water and feed her.
Maybe she'll turn on the tv and wonder when Jack McCoy became the DA on Law & Order.

When the baby goes back to sleep, the mommy will be feeling hungry,
so she'll make a strange mixture with the flax seed and other innocent ingredients,
'cause the fridge is bare and she's trying to eat healthier anyway.
Then she'll decide to make a freezer meal. And then another.

She'll want to take a walk, but it will look like it is about to storm,
so she decides to wait and check her email and facebook- real quick.
But the baby is awake again and so the mommy will feed her,
and read about inspirational people on the laptop while nursing.

When the baby seems full, she will play with her on the bed and sing her silly songs.
And then she will put the baby gym next to her and try to get her girl to work on her hand-eye coordination. The mommy will then start to type this, but soon the baby will be indignant at the gym and hungry again, so the mommy will finish and feed her again .

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Tides of Love

It's rather fascinating how you experience love in deeper and deeper stages.
After a few very tough weeks, I'm definitely enjoying my days with my little girl this week, as she sleeps peacefully besides me (for the moment).

I see so much of myself reflected in my little girl, and in profile I can see generations of women in my family. My mom. My aunt. My beloved grandmother whose name my baby girl wears.

The last few weeks have brought challenges- her GERD, with led to much screaming, worrying,and constant painful breastfeeding. My frustration at my marriage. My panic about out financial situation. And just the normal new mother issues of extreme sleep deprivation and loneliness, which is compounded by our recent move and the fact that I haven't yet built a social or support group here.

When I gaze at my sweet little ham hock, I feel such a mighty need to protect her. Already, she needs me more than my little man did. Her dependence on me is much stronger and she is much needier. She needs to feed and be held constantly. That makes the rest of life rather hard to accomplish and it worries me greatly how we'll adjust to my going back to work and the introduction of a new caregiving routine. And yet, it must happen. I have nothing more to give up, nothing more to sell that would allow me to stay an "at-home" mom.

So I'll enjoy our quiet days together now, as I gaze into her blue eyes that hold so many galaxies. I'll kiss the corners of her mouth, and make her smile with her rosebud lips. I'll sing her crazy songs, and listen as she tries to echo me. We'll both overuse our eyebrow muscles as we make faces at the world. I'll wash the little peach fuzz on her head, and get high on the wonderful sweet baby-head-smell. I'll try not to yelp with pain as she feeds for what seems like endless stretches of pain. I'll comfort her as she grunts like a little piggy, burps like an old man, and farts like a band of thieves in a bean soup factory (hey- it's hard to be a gassy little baby!)

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Thought of the Day

I've been thinking a lot about sublimation of self.
In relationships.
In parenting.

Just thinking about it, that's all.