Thursday, October 25, 2012


In debt. In despair.
I don't want to talk to my family or friends.
I don't want them to visit for Christmas.
It's just too much to try to keep up the front that my life isn't full of hurt and fear.

When I dreamed of another child, I thought things would be different.
More settled financially. No- we are drowning with two house payments and one tiny income and student loans.
A more loving partner- no, our relationship is worse than ever. I'm in a place that feels more than alone.
I keep trying to claw my way out of despair. My faith. My will. My survival instinct. They should all be stronger. I should be able to beat this. The fact that I am just hanging on, with the waves crashing over me, just makes it worse.
I'm fighting so hard to be a good mother. To keep it in. But the cracks are there, and out trickles the misery, the fear, the anxiety.

I haven't been myself in a long time. The relationship broke so badly in 2008, and I don't think it's ever really healed, despite so many attempts. My career broke in 2010, and when that dam broke the fear went wild and I had my first real taste of depression for a long time.

And I keep spitting it out. Trying not to consume it. Talk myself out of it. Be better. Be stronger.

I want to be okay. I'm trying so hard to be. Some days I almost succeed.
I miss the person that I was, the hope that she carried even in the rough times.

And maybe I shouldn't hit the publish button. Keep it in. Paste on a smile.

This too shall pass. And I do believe there is a plan.
I just needed a keyboard to cry on, a confessional of weakness.

And I'll be stronger tomorrow.


  1. I have been in your shoes - and it will get better. One way or another. You have a special gift coming. One you have longed for nearly as long as I have known you. She won't change your circumstances, but she will change your world. Relationships make it or don't. Debt will probably always be there but it can get better and eventually, it will. The thing is... this drowning feeling isn't forever. There is always hope - and friends who love you for who you are. YOU ARE SPECIAL. A gift to us. Were I there, I'd hug you so hard (even though you don't particularly like hugs) just so you'd know that there was someone there with you and for you.

    Hit publish. Get it out there. You're safe with us. And maybe, once you've gotten it out, you can get on with it.

  2. Ditto to everything already said, much better than I could have expressed. Sometimes life just sucks, and you have to stick it out. I promise it will get better, somehow, someday, someway. You deserve happiness and it will come.....keep your head up through these horrible times!