Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Second Personal Truth of 2012

I want it all.

I love staying up till all hours reading. I love having the day to myself.
But I miss working. I miss having a purpose outside of myself.

I like having a small, manageable family. I love that we can take little trips. I love that my son is a cool little man and that I am over the days of changing diapers.

And then I see a picture of someone with a new baby and it always surprises me how it rips me to the core, makes me almost breathless with longing.

That's my truth for today- I have come to accept that I will always have disparate, sometimes contradictory longings (so many more than I am willing to list here).

And it's okay.


  1. I understand this more than you know. I got to spend the last week doing whatever I wanted to do, pretty much. But I can only handle so much idleness before I get a little crazy. A week is about right for me. Then I'm anxious to get back to work.

  2. It doesnt change as the kids get older. Often times I find myself shying away from babies, because I know that longing will start and my husband is so over hearing about how I want a baby. I dont want or need another baby, but as my wonderful 13 year old daughter finds more about me everyday that annoys her, and our relationship becomes more like a warden and a jailer (if you ask her) I more and more miss those days where they look at you with nothing but love and admiration. Not contempt and teenage disgust.

    I miss having had that experience with a man, my husband, who is a wonderful father to his children. I find it difficult that he could never express the desire to have more children (even if he wanted to) because of the drama his ex has put him through with his kids.

    I have so many issues around this subject, that I should probably make my own blog post and quit venting on yours. I just wanted to offer emotional support, and tell you that longing never really goes away. When I sit back objectively I know I dont NEED another child, and we are good where we are and all that, but since when did NEED have anything to do with bringing children into this world?

    Luckily, I am getting too old, my husband says hell no, and I dont exactly have a job conducive to babies and midnight feedings. And my daughter has threatened to move into my sisters if I were to get prego. So, decision made. I just miss it...that smell, the love, the tiny little child with so much potential and innocence..


  3. Thank you both for commenting, and I don't mind at all the vent. It is comforting to know that others understand the sentiment. I am intentionally not putting much in these blogs, so that I get a simple thought out without writing so much that I never publish it and just taking the truth of the moment.