Nobody knowns the miles I've seen...

In the last month, we have taken two weeks of roads trips... a total of over 4,000 miles. That's a lot in 30 days. First was a trip to Cincinnati to see my baby sister graduate from high school. It was bittersweet. I have a picture of my own high school graduation and I am holding Miss M, who was just a baby. Nothing marks the passage of time so much. I was lovely that I got to spent a lot of time with her while there, and Little Man got to experience the Farm and my family. I wish we could do it more. I dream of building a little stone cottage there where I could take Little Man and spend the summer. Maybe some day...

It was the first time being there since my step-grandmother died and I had a few times that I had to really process & deal with emotions around that and the true end of every grandparent I have had. I have been coming to the Farm since I was 11, which was when my father started dating my future step-mother. The Farm, spread out on 150 acres in rolling Northern Kentucky, has been a place of discovery & refuge since then. And honestly, it's the closest thing I have to "home" right now, as I deal with the transition of moving to Texas.

And that's where our second road trip was- Dallas/ Fort Worth, where we will be moving in about 30 days. We spent each night in a different hotel and explored the area by car. I certainly shouldn't be bored and it will be interesting to live in a big city again. I'm not a huge fan of the prairie and will miss the lush green of North Florida. But unlike 2004, I feel better leaving. My job is coming to a more natural end and now social media will allow me to stay in touch with friends. That is a lifeline that I didn't have before and I think it will help.

It's been intense spending so much time shut into cars... and working at home with a husband who had been here too. It's frankly WAY too much together time, especially at a time when I am feeling a bit resentful about many of the dynamics in our relationship. And by "bit," I mean it's all I can do most days. I'm not going to hash it out here. And it will pass. Or maybe it won't. But only time will tell.

most nights have been spent on the laptop, exploring areas, reading up on schools and looking for properties to rent. All with Doctor Who playing in the background. Netflix is a wonderful & horrible thing.

While my immediate boss has known for some time that I would be leaving, I am giving my official notice on Tuesday. Frankly, I am still conflicted. It's hard for me to believe that this move is really going to happen. I keep feeling like it won't and I didn't want to decide about my job until the last minute. The truth is that I would be very happy staying here with Little Man for the year. But financially it would be harder to swing. Or at least that's what I tell myself- it actually might be easier, frankly. The real reason is that I know how hard it would be for Little Man to be apart from his daddy. So off we go and I can only hope to seize new opportunities and relationships from it.

And this is all setting up the next post, which is why I am on the laptop in the middle of the night. back in a moment.

By Special Request...

Here you go, B. A new post so that we can all stop looking at the one below from the Bitter Manatee.

Since life is a bit insane at the moment, I don't have time to write much. But I was listening to country music this morning and I really like the chorus to a Rodney Atkins song, Going Through Hell:

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.


I won't say that I'm going through hell right now, but I've certainly had my times. I like the chorus theme- keep moving, face the fire, walk through it, believe that there is another side to it. It's worked in my life and I am certainly in the "one foot in front of the other" place right now. Like my Ingrid song below- "All we ca do is keep breathing." Like many, I can get caught up in wanting to do things "right" and that can be paralyzing. Sometimes just a reminder to keep moving- and not analyzing each step, and spend too much time on the plan- is important to me.

I just popped in the Hare Krishna CD that I bought on the street in Venice last summer. We were walking, gazing in shop windows and suddenly a joyful parade appeared out of nowhere led by shining monks clad in bright orange robes with ecstatic smiles on their face, singing and dancing and chanting and playing the drums. Frankly, I think that people from any religion should be open to moments in which we glimpse God and this was one of those moments. There was a pure joy and love that radiated such warmth and truth. Just a moment of revelation and the parade danced past. But they were selling CDs to support their cause, so I bought one. I often do this when traveling- it's one of the best ways to capture the energy of a place and time.

In five minutes, I've managed to cover country music & Hare Krishas- yeah, that seems about right for me. I've released you from the ravages of having to ponder male organs. Or maybe made it worse. Alas, back to work for me.

The Penis

I have discovered the secret of...

The Penis.

Long suspected as a tool for reproduction or pleasure, it instead has a far more insidious purpose....

It is the source of a presumed superiority of all things. Ever.

In a strange twist of fate, this post is inspired today by all men except my husband, who has an exemplary tool in question for the first two purposes, but is not a pompous blowhard as indicated by the last purpose. This is good for both of us.

All the rest of you, however, better watch it...



That is all :)

Just a week in the life

So, nothing earth-shattering this week. I have been working like mad trying to get ready for an event next week and feeling both the weight of responsibility while also helplessness from not having the information and tools that I need. In the scope of life, this will be but a blink, but it's stressful at the moment because I just want it to go well.

And that leads me again to the realization- am I going to spend my life working this hard for other people or am I going to be brave enough to invest this energy for myself, my destiny?

One picture that I wish I had today was of little man. He's been off school this week and has spent most of the time running with hubby as I worked. Today hubby had a short meeting and LM was home with me while I worked. At one point I has a really long phone conversation with one of my board members/bosses. I look up and there's LM, who has donned a headset and a whip. It looked like he was a customer service agent for cowboys or trying to wrangle a bunch of backup dancers for Brittney Spears. He'll be glad someday that I didn't have my camera on me.

I have a blaring headache at the moment, so I tend to be hyper sensitive to sound. And light. And breathing. Even so, before I hit the bed, I feel the need to capture the fact that hubby had certainly put forth effort this week and I have put forth a lot of effort in thank him. I realize this is not worthy of an engraved paver stone or anything, but since I am quick to capture the rough times, I thought I was try to remember some of the quietly good ones.

There's a bed with my name on it and a weekend full of work, so it's time to turn off Netflix (after years with public television, I have finally started watching Doctor Who. You don't have to call me a Time Lord, but at least now I am starting to get some of the references). And since LM wanted to play "Cupcake Wars" the only day on the playground, we figured it was time to butch up the viewing options. Slightly.

Sydney

Sometimes I think that I have let go of the dream of you, made peace with the path that seems to lead in another direction, while all the while knowing that there is something more coming. But I'm truly walking two paths.

Last week, during the crowded Easter service, we talked about hope. How relationships and lives both end when someone has lost it. How the presence of it infuses life and meaning in to even the most mundane. I internalized much of the message for the pertinence in my life right now.

Flowers are so poignant because their beauty begins in hope. The faith that a simple seed will have the power to grow, that the elements will be right for life.



Today you spoke to me without words. You let me know that you were still there, waiting and watching. You dared me to believe and then pushed beyond coincidence to show yourself. In the smallest flicker of the candle of hope, you are there.



So I wait with Hope.

Sometimes Perspective is Handed to You on a Shield

So, I wrote my little emo heart out last night, so when I woke up I felt great. Down three pounds- just water, but still good. Healthy, strong, happy. Great morning, relaxed & joyful with my little family. Great work calls in the morning for some significant donations. The happy jig was jigging. Looking forward to a movie tonight with friends and feeling very drama free.

No sooner had I posted a happy status on facebook than a phone call came that threw my day into a bit of a bad afterschool special. A desperate voice of a family member on the other line who was too far away to do anything. A flurry of frantic phone calls to follow. A story of a hospital, a phone that wasn't being answered, and the fear of suicide from someone I care about. Minutes later I was in the car going to a place I didn't know, searching from the barest of hints. And then at a strange apartment, pounding on the door and then the back window while preparing to call the police and starting to fear the worst.

Thankfully, it wasn't the worst but it also wasn't good. It's not the first time I have worried about finding someone dead, but it still isn't a feeling that I have built an immunity to. And I have taken the reigns and tried to steer the boat back into the right direction, while also fulfilling my own responsibilities. I have a brief reprieve right now, but I know it's not for long.

I wonder how many lives I must watch be destroyed by drugs. It's weird to be immune, but to watch it destroy so many around me. It's a poison that I can only control by never letting it into myself... and yet I cannot save those around me.

Second, the dismal shape of drug and mental health care in this country is just pathetic. This is the not the first time I have spent hours on the phone looking for help for someone.

Third, I often say that I wonder when I will feel like "an adult." Today was one of those days that I do, most definitely, feel like an adult. And all my belly aching below seems so silly, so insignificant. My life is such an amazing blessing. And while I am tired and worn from today, I also still feel strong. I am not drowning in the drama and I'm not depleted. Sometimes it takes fighting in another person's war to see that you are not weak.

It's scary for me to acknowledge God's blessings- it seems when I do that something tragic happens. But as I see the soldiers push forward, I raise my sword and accept that I can help, but I cannot save.

On a Musical Note

I have just been loving Ingrid for awhile on Pandora and it's time to save her for posterity.

First, this one:



And also this: